Sometimes I have arguments just with my own thoughts wondering if im asking too much from others & I think- the only things that matter are those people you care about or those that really care about you or even those random things that make the nerves calm and the smiles appear. Maybe at times you ask a lot of everyone else, but generally that’s only when you don’t have one of those things … Or many… Or all. If I don’t have anything I love or care about- then I apologize for being a sassy bitch, but I’m just hoping for some sort of understanding while im trying to handle this wreck we call life. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. I’m happy when I’m in my own comfort zone… And honestly at times I’m ecstatic to be outside of it… But to live without comfort turns anyone into a monster- just fighting for one piece of that thing we call happiness. Usually the fight only ends in more discomfort, but what can you do? Honestly. What else do you have but fight. I just wish everyone could be a bit more forgiving. I’ve tried to be.

I’ve always felt like a tumbleweed. I’m sitting on the street lit porch watching two girls who speak a different language move their things into what’s supposed to be my room. I smiled. I told them to go ahead and make theirselves at home. I doubt the next place I move will feel anything close to home at all… But what would? I know everyone goes through these things, but my heart feels like it couldn’t get worse. I’m trying. I’m really fucking trying to make this my struggle- nobody elses. I just feel alone. I hate myself for drinking alone or smoking cigarettes to calm my anxiety. It really doesn’t. Sometimes I just wish I hadn’t been displaced so early. I know I’m lucky in so many ways. I have the best best friend. My boyfriend talks me out of crazy and gets me a cozy blanket to make me feel warm when he’s gone… But I always end up feeling like I’m getting the short straw. My lifelines lead to empty voices- my mom stuck in a tiny room taking care of my grandma who just tells her she’s nothing. My brother always feels like he’s not enough. My dad always feels like nothings enough. Gosh I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I know I need to take the bad and just push it away- be the Richelle I know I am. I’m just discouraged. I just want to take that comfy blanket to a home thats mine and watch the leaves fall into autumn. I just want to curl up and feel like I’m really home- a home I can keep. Complain, complain. I’m just so lucky. I’m just so sad.